Waking Up

Is hard to do. Where have I been? I've up and forgot about this blog and everything it stands for within a few months of creating it! Well faithful reader (me), I think it is safe to say that I was in a media coma for the past month. Have you ever seen the show "The Wire"? GODDAMN that is addictive.

9/11 Rant

yeah I'll go there, 7 years is enough time for me. Hell, I shot Heath Ledger just to make jokes about it. huh, wait, what?

Why is it, serious question now, why is it that you can put a FDNY, NYPD, or twin towers ad or token on anything it's fine. Put it on an ambulance in California it's fine, put it on a Mercedes in Arkansas, wait no Mercedes in Arkansas...Florida Mercedes, a twin towers ad in my fucking guitar magazine, that's okay. But you give someone a P.O.W./M.I.A. banner or sticker they're white trash.

are couch burners the only people who remember the 60,000 young Americans died in 'Nam? where are their bumper stickers?

60,000 U.S. Vietnam dead get A 8 ft. wall, 2,800 Twin Towers dead get an acre in downtown Manhattan.

apparently you have to die with a tie on to get some fucking respect.

That's why I always drink and drive in a tuxedo (<---courtesy of Friend)

people don't care about soldiers. They don't have a memorial for the 5,000 servicemen who died in Iraq outside of some cardboard crosses on a hillside in Orinda California, and the city tried to get those removed.

where's the respect? I guess if you shoot a man in the back of the head it's a tragedy but if you shoot him in the face it's expected? I'm just calling for equal treatment here. A dead person is a dead person, be it IED victim or 70 story free fall victim.

People expect soldiers to die I guess. Fuck they didn't even give them armor in Iraq. "It's gonna happen eventually we're just helping it along. Don't worry you can have some meth heads hang a flag up for you"

Now, I'm getting preachy. I'm also making a lot of enemies in the meth community.

Fear

One of the worst fears I have is performing in front of a bunch of ghosts and being booed off stage. Then it turns out that they were actually laughing at me. Now, I'm out 4 minutes of stage time.

I've Become a Liberal Elite

I was looking at the photos from the MTV VMAs tonight (I was contemplating killing myself and the only thing that could keep me going was hating on young people) and I didn't know who 75% of the people I saw were. I am officially an out of touch liberal. Next step is to start yelling at kids to get off my lawn and measure the sag in my ball sack with a yard stick.

I Have Some Science Minded Friends

Like looking down the barrel of a gun, right?

For all two people who read this, a bit of history. This is the CERN Large Hadron Collider located on the border between Switzerland and France and it is massive. Something to the tune of seventeen mile wide circumference (I'm no geographer but it could circumnavigate Vatican city and possibly Luxembourg). This mass of metal and concrete is then cooled to about 1.7 degrees above absolute zero, wow how cool! Soon enough, 3 days from now, it will start doing test runs and it will kill mankind and swallow up the earth. Okay, not really but the theory was that when you take a particle and smash it against other particles at the unprecedented speeds that the LHC can create, one might just generate a balckhole. Suck. "Did anyone just feel that? I think my atoms just got rend one from the other on a microcosmic basis."

While that theory is far fetched and scientifically unsound (Particles moving at LHC speeds collide with earth everyday) I think there's a bigger issue at play here. What's that issue you ask? Well fair reader I will tell you, the cost/benefit problem.

You see the governing body of the LHC, CERN, built the collider for a total cost of about 7 billion Euros (345346 kajillons USD). CERN also raised 1 billion dollars last year in order to determine the existence of the theoretical Higgs bonson particle, which as I understand it will solve the world's water shortage, starvation, and green house gas problem once discovered.

That's a lie, the damn thing was built so physicists could sleep at night know their useless pet projects were still being funded. With real problems in this world, I would hope that the 85 nations that make up the governing body of CERN will next focus their considerable collective resources on something that will benefit society as a whole. I'm not saying that this is completely useless, or that science should be pursued soley for science sake, but with massive globally significant issues facing the world (see above) I think that the money would better be served elsewhere.

So in one sentence or less, unless this shit allows me to build a teleportation device so I can transport into a pretty sorority’s shower, it is a waste of money.

SLAM (exclamation point)

News networks are given to exaggeration, I fell this is in order to
make the government fed drivel they parrot sound more important. A
great example of this is how if a candidate or politicians says
something that confronts an opponents stated ideology, that becomes a
"slam." We've all heard this, CNN is especially guilty of crap like
this. "Barack Obama SLAMS John McCain's energy proposals"

Now I don't know about you, or all these CNN affectionados out there
but to me a "Slam" has to be something more than a premeditated
difference in policies. A slam has to be an insult something tasty
and funny that someone throws down to accentuate their point.

"John McCain's energy proposal is about as energetic as a P.O.W." SLAM

"Barack Obama's foreign relations experience is about as useful as a
black man at show-up-on-time party." SLAM

the shit we hear is just a polite conversation with everybody
listening. These people are always, "well i respect my colleague but
disagree" There's no slamming going on, maybe if Jesse Ventura was
around (ugh).

If there is such a soft definition of "Slam" A debate is going to boil
down to a game of fucking dozens.

"Barack's Momma can't run the county"
"Your momma is dead Mr. McCain"
"That man is a motherucker with a whack ass forign policy"
"This man is so old he just updated his house with a telegraph"

and so on...

J-

old lady

I saw an older lady walking around today with a rolling suitcase. She was in Borders. How busy are you that you need a suitcase to take to Borders, what the hell is in there that you can't keep in a purse? It's not like books take up that much room either. You could just as easily carry them out. Maybe she's looking to roll a whole slew of books home to add to her library, that might have been true if it wasn't for the fact that the suitcase was already full. Maybe she's just a great shoplifter.

A True Story

I just got a return call from a recruiter that was looking to fill a position in an asbestos/mesothelioma plaintiff's firm. Basically, i would be suing people because a client inhaled some dangerous shit 20 years ago and is now cancer riddled. Here's how the crux of the call went. I am labeled, "Me" and the recruiter is labeled, "FuckfaceMcCallisterfromfucktown" I'll shorten that one to "Mr. Fuck"

...(becuase this isn't the beginning)

Mr. Fuck, "what law school did you go to?"
Me, "California Western School of Law"
M F, "How'd you do there?"
Me, "Alright, about middle of the road"
M F, "That'll be tough, what do you do now?"
Me, "Right now, I'm unemployed"
M F, "What did you do before you lost your job?"
Me, "Was a law clerk at a Plaintiff's firm and then a associate at a trust and estates firm"
M F, "I'm sorry my client won't buy that, they're looking for someone else, I'm sorry good bye"

Wow, thanks buddy. For a man that works in the employment placement field you sure know how to treat potential clients. Now I'm like super pissed and I want to punch the company in the face and I also want to travel back in time and tell my stupid younger self not to go to a third tier law school or law school in general. And If i'm already enrolled (time machines are very iffy) to tell myself to study harder and not fuck around so much.

I thought I had more to say about this guy but now I'm just too mad to type. I picked a bad week to quit drinking.

I Got a Lot of Problems with You People!

First off, grocery store clerks. What the hell! If you want social time to talk to someone why don't you call them on one of your many breaks. Don't do it while I'm standing right in front you of trying to check out.

Secondly, you can't alter history, the world does not have a fucking time travel device! Barack Obama's nomination does no alter history. In the same sense you cannot alter a suit as you are creating it; you are just creating a suit, now, you are just making history. There, you know what I'm going to frown on that expression, making history. History is something in the past, big small it depends on who is looking. My panic attack is in the past, it's history. While there are assuradly many more to come, each on of them is creating history. It's no special feat to create history everyone does it, from the most important person in the world (me) to the least (you).

A recap, you can't alter history, you can't create history, it happens. To describe Barack's nomination I'll say it's a landmark achievement, not since Suge Knight has a black man commanded or demanded so much respect.

my idea

So, I've decided to blend this blog with my true hobby...stand up comedy. Not funny comedy but you know, honest comedy with integrity--stand up. So I'll start posting some comedy ideas on here to see if they're funny in print. If they're not, I'll be sure to yell whatever idea it is into a microphone to force the funny. Screaming is always a hoot just ask Sam Kinison.

It's Monday

More like "No Fun Day" but I guess coming down from a bender can't always be fun.

Someone told me I had a problem with booze. I didn't know love could be a problem until now. Well, I guess love is a problem if you love a live bear trap.


I wouldn't recommend taking the trap out dancing.

The Girl That Will Never Grow Up

I get the feeling that Shawn Johnson will look like this for the rest of her life. Complete with crappy wardrobe.


16 going on 40.

By the way where are these Olypians getting their money? Michael Phelps has "millions" waiting for him at home. Are they starting a professional swimming league? Wheaties boxes can't pay that much.

That's what I'm talking about

"that's what I'm talking about" I love this expression.

Because it's never said after someone talks about something. That would be silly.

"And in conclusion I say that the Russian-Georgia relations were icy to begin with and the conflict which developed in August of 2008, was a collective fault...That's what i'm talking about. Back with more here on CNN"

"That's what i'm talkin' about" Is always said after actions. Let's say I woop up my friend at the yearly circle jerk, and then make him eat the cookie. Then I yell "That's what i'm talking about! EAT IT!" That's the more proper usage.

The thing was, I wasn't talking the whole time I was blowing a load, I wasn't talking about what I was doing or what was going through my mind, that would just be weird.

"See what I'm doing now, I'm vigorously rubbing up and down on my penis with my hand while thinking about Kim Kardashian competing in the pole vault, yeah see here sometimes I close my eyes, and you know what I'm getting close here and I am going to make you eat the whole thing, not a nibble like last year. I am almost done, Kim has cleared 16 feet and i think I'm about to ..." Pop! "See that's what I'm talking about."

Gotta be careful talking out loud like that though, some people still call into phone sex lines. And then the that's what I'm talking about
-----

I have proof that God loves us. true story. Wait no, it's the opposite of that. He's not too happy with people. Why? because he created oil and he put it below the feet of crazy people. Maybe not crazy, just very poor and very angry people. You know Iran, Bolivia, The United States.

Maybe it's that boorish behavior creates hydrocarbons, There sure is lot of circumstantial evidence to back me up on this. There's nothing substantial in Great Britain or Japan. I think it's a proven fact at this point.

So I have a new get rich easy scheme, I've just decided that my newest occupation will be to walk around and poke people in the chest and yell obscenities in no general direction. Maybe i'll promise myself 70 virgins and lose my sense of humor as well. Then once oil develops under my yard i'll lease it out to Exxon. Then every once in a while I'll just steal candy from a baby or swear a jihad on a television show just to keep supplies fresh and coming.

Cell Phones

The new cell phone law has my vote, but also my ire. <--that's a byline in the industry.

I was behind the slowest driver in the world today, the kind that needs at least a mile space before turning out into traffic. Maybe she needed a mile because she couldn't see down enough for us mere car drivers out of her oversized SUV.

regardless she was either lost or a douchebag. Because she didn't know where she was going was in no hurry to get more lost like the rest of us try to get. Turns out (of course) she was on her cellphone. not a hands free device either, oh no, straight Zack Morris "Saved by the Bell" phone. This is typical behavior. Whenever a person is lost, in trouble, or just bored while driving, they commonly resort to cellphone usage and road rules avoidance.

What troubled me was that there was a Cop at one of the intersections this lady nearly droive through. now in California it is illegal to have your phone up to your gaping-mouth-hole head while driving. Honestly I was looking forward to her getting pulled over and issued a $300 for the iota of unhappiness she caused me. Yes, I am spiteful, especially when hungry.

Can you guess what happened? sure you can, nothing. That bastard drove right through the intersection. To be fair he would have had to get out of his car to issue the ticket and who wants to do that on a hot day. Nothing, what's the point of the law if you don't enforce it. Maybe if she was driving a crappier car instead of a Lexus, something maybe like mine.

So I went on my sullen way and she went on endangering other drivers and various inattentive pedestrians. No justice.

Bloggin' Days

Man, blogging everyday is tough, which is why I haven't done it. I think I'm going to get on the Paul Krugman schedule and post Mondays and Fridays; and in the meantime I'll teach at Harvard. I'll be sure to pass on my subversive ideas onto America's future. So here we go, Friday blog begin.

Cover Letters are a pain in the ass and everyone has an opinion on them. Mine personally has gone through 714 changes. If my cover letters were home runs I'd be in the baseball hall of fame.

It's too long, it's too short, this part is superfluous, stop swearing. Whatever, I'm convinced now that I'll not be employed ever. If there are this many people willing to express their views tome how many people are just thinking bad thoughts at the letters? My guess, 96%.

Thank the Cosmic Teapot for unemployment checks, cause it appears I'll be needing them.

On a much happier side note, I've created a story with a friend of mine called "Black Earth" where people turn into zombies of some sort...but trust me there's a twist. oh brother and what a twist! Stay tuned for more details.