I Got a Lot of Problems with You People!

First off, grocery store clerks. What the hell! If you want social time to talk to someone why don't you call them on one of your many breaks. Don't do it while I'm standing right in front you of trying to check out.

Secondly, you can't alter history, the world does not have a fucking time travel device! Barack Obama's nomination does no alter history. In the same sense you cannot alter a suit as you are creating it; you are just creating a suit, now, you are just making history. There, you know what I'm going to frown on that expression, making history. History is something in the past, big small it depends on who is looking. My panic attack is in the past, it's history. While there are assuradly many more to come, each on of them is creating history. It's no special feat to create history everyone does it, from the most important person in the world (me) to the least (you).

A recap, you can't alter history, you can't create history, it happens. To describe Barack's nomination I'll say it's a landmark achievement, not since Suge Knight has a black man commanded or demanded so much respect.

my idea

So, I've decided to blend this blog with my true hobby...stand up comedy. Not funny comedy but you know, honest comedy with integrity--stand up. So I'll start posting some comedy ideas on here to see if they're funny in print. If they're not, I'll be sure to yell whatever idea it is into a microphone to force the funny. Screaming is always a hoot just ask Sam Kinison.

It's Monday

More like "No Fun Day" but I guess coming down from a bender can't always be fun.

Someone told me I had a problem with booze. I didn't know love could be a problem until now. Well, I guess love is a problem if you love a live bear trap.


I wouldn't recommend taking the trap out dancing.

The Girl That Will Never Grow Up

I get the feeling that Shawn Johnson will look like this for the rest of her life. Complete with crappy wardrobe.


16 going on 40.

By the way where are these Olypians getting their money? Michael Phelps has "millions" waiting for him at home. Are they starting a professional swimming league? Wheaties boxes can't pay that much.

That's what I'm talking about

"that's what I'm talking about" I love this expression.

Because it's never said after someone talks about something. That would be silly.

"And in conclusion I say that the Russian-Georgia relations were icy to begin with and the conflict which developed in August of 2008, was a collective fault...That's what i'm talking about. Back with more here on CNN"

"That's what i'm talkin' about" Is always said after actions. Let's say I woop up my friend at the yearly circle jerk, and then make him eat the cookie. Then I yell "That's what i'm talking about! EAT IT!" That's the more proper usage.

The thing was, I wasn't talking the whole time I was blowing a load, I wasn't talking about what I was doing or what was going through my mind, that would just be weird.

"See what I'm doing now, I'm vigorously rubbing up and down on my penis with my hand while thinking about Kim Kardashian competing in the pole vault, yeah see here sometimes I close my eyes, and you know what I'm getting close here and I am going to make you eat the whole thing, not a nibble like last year. I am almost done, Kim has cleared 16 feet and i think I'm about to ..." Pop! "See that's what I'm talking about."

Gotta be careful talking out loud like that though, some people still call into phone sex lines. And then the that's what I'm talking about
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I have proof that God loves us. true story. Wait no, it's the opposite of that. He's not too happy with people. Why? because he created oil and he put it below the feet of crazy people. Maybe not crazy, just very poor and very angry people. You know Iran, Bolivia, The United States.

Maybe it's that boorish behavior creates hydrocarbons, There sure is lot of circumstantial evidence to back me up on this. There's nothing substantial in Great Britain or Japan. I think it's a proven fact at this point.

So I have a new get rich easy scheme, I've just decided that my newest occupation will be to walk around and poke people in the chest and yell obscenities in no general direction. Maybe i'll promise myself 70 virgins and lose my sense of humor as well. Then once oil develops under my yard i'll lease it out to Exxon. Then every once in a while I'll just steal candy from a baby or swear a jihad on a television show just to keep supplies fresh and coming.

Cell Phones

The new cell phone law has my vote, but also my ire. <--that's a byline in the industry.

I was behind the slowest driver in the world today, the kind that needs at least a mile space before turning out into traffic. Maybe she needed a mile because she couldn't see down enough for us mere car drivers out of her oversized SUV.

regardless she was either lost or a douchebag. Because she didn't know where she was going was in no hurry to get more lost like the rest of us try to get. Turns out (of course) she was on her cellphone. not a hands free device either, oh no, straight Zack Morris "Saved by the Bell" phone. This is typical behavior. Whenever a person is lost, in trouble, or just bored while driving, they commonly resort to cellphone usage and road rules avoidance.

What troubled me was that there was a Cop at one of the intersections this lady nearly droive through. now in California it is illegal to have your phone up to your gaping-mouth-hole head while driving. Honestly I was looking forward to her getting pulled over and issued a $300 for the iota of unhappiness she caused me. Yes, I am spiteful, especially when hungry.

Can you guess what happened? sure you can, nothing. That bastard drove right through the intersection. To be fair he would have had to get out of his car to issue the ticket and who wants to do that on a hot day. Nothing, what's the point of the law if you don't enforce it. Maybe if she was driving a crappier car instead of a Lexus, something maybe like mine.

So I went on my sullen way and she went on endangering other drivers and various inattentive pedestrians. No justice.

Bloggin' Days

Man, blogging everyday is tough, which is why I haven't done it. I think I'm going to get on the Paul Krugman schedule and post Mondays and Fridays; and in the meantime I'll teach at Harvard. I'll be sure to pass on my subversive ideas onto America's future. So here we go, Friday blog begin.

Cover Letters are a pain in the ass and everyone has an opinion on them. Mine personally has gone through 714 changes. If my cover letters were home runs I'd be in the baseball hall of fame.

It's too long, it's too short, this part is superfluous, stop swearing. Whatever, I'm convinced now that I'll not be employed ever. If there are this many people willing to express their views tome how many people are just thinking bad thoughts at the letters? My guess, 96%.

Thank the Cosmic Teapot for unemployment checks, cause it appears I'll be needing them.

On a much happier side note, I've created a story with a friend of mine called "Black Earth" where people turn into zombies of some sort...but trust me there's a twist. oh brother and what a twist! Stay tuned for more details.

Foriegners Scare the Shit Outta Me

But like in a good way. like you know your first orgasm scared you, I mean what if god was watching you play with the corn starch so? Then you realized it was actually quite an awesome experience, and awesome habits are hard to break. These foreigners could be scary if I hadn't popped that fear cherry by living with a extra-state person for like 5 years. So, therefore foreigners are good and no longer frightening, at least to me, the rest of you need to pull your dick outta that cornstarch corn hole and learn a few things. No, I can't help you with the learnin'.

The point of this is that, there are a lot of foreign people on Blogger, like a million or so, and they are always the next blog that appears after i press the "next" button. This is a text based medium and your strange language doesn't help me spy on your personal affairs you post on the interweb.